


you've intertwined your soul with somebody else

by agcrazy



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Cheating, Explicit Sexual Content, Light Dom/sub, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-05-30 14:32:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6427741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agcrazy/pseuds/agcrazy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Terushima Yuuji works through the process of having his boyfriend fall out of love with him, and fall for somebody else.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(but with a happy ending)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> Being into a rarepair is so difficult and sad. And the worst part of it is that you're usually too deep into rarepair hell that you don't even care that you're the very few residing there, aha ahahhah (sobs)
> 
> BUT those of us who are in rarepair hell, DUDE we know how amazing TERUDAI is right? like seriously I'm so into TeruDai, it's a bit creepy really.
> 
> ANYWAY this is an angsty piece, and I had to get it out of my system because otherwise I couldn't seem to be able to work on my other chaptered fic, lol go figure. But this has a happy ending, like way at the back. This is inspired by the song Somebody Else by The 1975 (it's an amazing song, go listennnnnn), but i took a lot of artistic liberty in reinterpreting it ahahha
> 
> AND SAWAMURA ISN'T A DICK in this fic. I PROMISE. mostly. Like I love Sawamura so. 
> 
> anyway, ENJOY!

_Our love has gone cold_

_You've intertwined your soul with somebody else_

* * *

**touch**

 

It starts with an absence of a hand lingering at the small of his back. Yuuji doesn’t notice at first of course. It doesn’t come back to haunt him until much later.

 

But at the moment, he is lying face-down on the mattress, gasping for air. He turns his head and smiles at his boyfriend huffing too. It never fails to amaze Yuuji how despite both their athletic background, sex between them always results in sweat and scratches and heavy pants. But to be fair, no matter how they start out – be it slow or lazy – it always turns urgent at some point, like they can’t get enough of each other’s skin. Not to mention the marathonic nature of the sex they indulge in. It hardly ever stays a quickie; a morning blowjob turns into a missed lecture, a quick shower sex becomes ditched dinner plans with their friends.

 

It’s great. Yuuji absolutely loves it. He never imagined he would get to have _this_ , especially with Sawamura Daichi of all people.

 

Accidentally bumping into Sawamura at the university gym a year ago had been a pleasant shock. In fact, Yuuji had been delighted. Meeting his high school crush within the first week of university life, finding out Sawamura goes to the same university, finding out the Sawamura does not in fact hate him at all (despite Yuuji’s lame taunts back then during that one match he ever played against Sawamura) – well, Yuuji had been nothing short of ecstatic, running on a high for the next few weeks. And after that –

 

Well, Yuuji just never came down from that high.

 

They had bumped into each other again, this time outside the coffee shop across from their campus, and Sawamura had smiled at him, bashful but looking at him steadily. And Yuuji had been so gone. They had started hanging out, slowly at first, as though unsure of boundaries – how many times a week was it normal to meet, and how many times could they invite each other out before it toed the line of clingy. There were study sessions, and Sawamura playfully smacking Yuuji on the head when he just wouldn’t concentrate or let Sawamura concentrate either, and then Sawamura actually glaring at him when Yuuji still wasn’t serious during their exam period. There was the build-up of inside jokes and meeting with each other’s friends and their friends getting fed up with their inside jokes. There was Sawamura inviting Yuuji to join the university’s volleyball team, and Yuuji feeling uncharacteristically shy when he heard Sawamura praising his play style to his teammates.

 

At some point, there was the shift from ‘Sawamura’ to ‘Daichi’, and hearing Sawamura calling him by ‘Yuuji’ for the first time. There was the date Daichi had asked him out on without ever telling him it was a date. And there was the confession that had followed after that, with both of them tripping over their words and laughing at each other, blushing madly under the flickering lamp post outside Yuuji’s apartment building. There was the hesitant way Daichi had pulled him in by his shirt, but the kiss he had placed on Yuuji’s lips had been firm. There was the way Yuuji had gasped and tried to dive in too deep, too fast, and the gentle way Daichi had smiled then.

 

There was the eventual surrender to their bodies’ increasing yearning for each other, and the clothes that tore that first night that were never repaired. There was the discovery that Daichi was a thorough lover with a rough touch, and that Yuuji was loud even in sex with nails that bit down on skin. There was Yuuji’s muffled cackles behind Daichi’s palm clasped across his mouth because Daichi’s neighbour had banged on their shared wall after one night too many of loud, passionate sex. There was the realization that routines had been established at some point, that Daichi had developed a soft spot for Yuuji’s botched attempts at breakfast, and that Yuuji had come to expect Daichi’s hands on him even when they were both sweaty and sticky from sex.

 

And here they are now with Daichi dozing lightly on the bed, naked and separated from Yuuji by 20 centimetres. It slowly starts to irk Yuuji, the mere 20 centimetres, barely 8 inches, that suddenly start to feel like a whopping 20 miles of distance between them. He can’t pinpoint why it bothers him, but it does – probably because he is used to Daichi always touching him even with the heat from their activities surrounding them, and he is used to Daichi forcing Yuuji to curve around him in a big spoon with insistent hands realigning them.

 

And wow, had _that_ been a surprise. When Yuuji found out Daichi’s propensity towards being the small spoon, Daichi had blushed. He had mumbled out some indecipherable words when Yuuji had asked why. It didn’t matter in the end, because Yuuji now knows the burden Daichi had carried in high school, and still carries in university because this person – he is a born leader and even now in university, their team gravitates towards him for guidance. He now knows Daichi feels like he is safe and burden-free at night with someone else enveloping and supporting him for a change. It helps that Yuuji is grown even taller than before (but he is still not as broad as Daichi) (not that Yuuji particularly minds because he likes how it allows Daichi to overpower him easily). And once Daichi had realized Yuuji wasn’t going to tease him about it, he had relaxed and took it upon himself to position them however he liked every night when they went to sleep after their bout of sex.

 

So now, the lack of hands gliding across his skin bothers Yuuji. He wonders why Daichi isn’t doing his usual “Yuuji, come on, move. Yeah just that, wait, let me – ” while burrowing himself into Yuuji with his back pressed flush against Yuuji’s front. He shakes off the uneasy feeling, blames it on the unbearable, cloying heat of the summer and lays his arm across Daichi’s waist. He moves to pull Daichi in towards him, and he stirs a little, grumbling when Yuuji disturbs his sleep, but comes nonetheless.

 

Yuuji lets out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding when Daichi snuggles back and starts breathing deeply. It feels like things are back to normal when he feels Daichi’s cooling skin under his palms. And when Daichi sleepily clasps a hand around the one Yuuji has placed against Daichi’s heart, Yuuji feels his own heart settle.

 

But Yuuji should have known that that wouldn’t be the end of it, and yet because the relief is so palpable right then that Yuuji lets it go. He forgets about it until –

 

Until it happens again two nights later.

 

Yuuji is in the middle of giving Daichi a blowjob when he registers that something is off. Daichi can never get enough of his tongue piercing, and Yuuji loves seeing someone usually so stable and in control become a thorough mess of gasps and trembling ball of lust all because of him. And it’s not like that isn’t the case right now because Daichi is still thrusting his hips up into Yuuji’s mouth, almost choking him the way they both like it; but that sense of disquiet swells up and is almost too overwhelming. Yuuji looks up at his boyfriend, and realizes that it’s what Daichi _isn’t_ doing that’s making everything seem so out of balance.

 

It shouldn’t be a big deal but when something that was previously done regularly, almost religiously even, is suddenly stopped, it’s bound to be felt keenly.

 

Because on top of being completely enamoured with Yuuji’s tongue piercing, Daichi loves his many ear piercings (in fact, Yuuji is pretty sure Daichi has a fetish for all of his piercings, even the eyebrow piercing he just got a few months ago on his birthday). He has a tendency to tug on them, interchanging between the helix piercing on his right and the three lobe piercings on his left. He always praises Yuuji when the blowjob would get that much messier because Daichi tugging on his piercings just this side of painful makes Yuuji’s dick so hard he sometimes feels dizzy, and he starts gagging on Daichi’s dick. His eyes usually close as though savouring the feel of Daichi’s dick in his mouth and the taste of precum leaking onto his tongue; and through that haze of pleasure Daichi’s slightly sadistic tugs and twists ground him to earth. He knows Daichi loves doing it, because Daichi knows Yuuji can take it and then some and he doesn’t have to worry about breaking the younger boy.

 

But all of that is missing right now. Yuuji doesn’t feel as though just blowing Daichi alone will have him coming as well because he can’t even get hard enough for that since Daichi isn’t doing what he usually does. Yuuji wonders just when his body became so conditioned to Daichi’s motions and habits, that now he feels bereft without them. Without Daichi’s hands on his ears, without his hands roughly pulling on his hair, it feels like any other blowjob he had given to any other guy before he met Daichi in university.

 

Yuuji figures that at the moment, there is nothing to be done about it but just to get Daichi to come. He renews his efforts, streaking his tongue up his dick just so that the piercing traces the vein on the underside; and he feels gratified when he hears Daichi gasp loudly, hands immediately shooting out to hold Yuuji’s face in place as he starts to fuck his dick down his throat in earnest. The brutal pace he sets as his fingers clench in Yuuji’s hair is almost enough to turn his mind numb again from pleasure and sensory overload. _Almost_.

 

Later on, once Daichi pulls Yuuji up, kissing him deeply, and jerks him off with the kind of rough, fast tugs Yuuji likes, they slump across the sofa in Yuuji’s living room, breathing heavily. Yuuji looks at Daichi’s palm resting on his thigh, fingers still digging into the flesh and wonders if he is thinking too much, because this seems normal. He glances at Daichi and seeing the way he looks blissed out, Yuuji can’t bring himself to comment on it anymore.

 

  

* * *

_So I heard you found somebody else_

_And at first, when I thought it was a lie_

_I took all my things that make sounds_

_The rest I can do without_

* * *

**hearing**

 

It’s an absolute coincidence that he overhears their conversation.

 

It is one his rare off days (in between classes, volleyball club and part time lab assistant work) and Yuuji’s at the ramen shop near the university with his high school teammates. They hardly ever get to meet these days with all of them having taken different paths – some working, and some, like Yuuji, studying in various universities. It’s a treat really, to see familiar faces in an until recently unfamiliar place.

 

He doesn’t know why he feels surprised when he hears a girl who just entered the shop mention Daichi. After all, this is the best ramen shop anywhere near their university and is a popular dinner hang-out place for all the university-going kids. There are bound to be people from their university eating here, but perhaps he just didn’t expect any of them to know Daichi.

 

“Did that girl just mention Sawamura?” Futamata asks, pointing his chopsticks at the group of girls behind them, ordering food at the counter.

 

“Yeah, I suppose so,” Yuuji replies.

 

“How’s that going?” Futamata asks, eyebrows wiggling excessively.

 

The rest of the group laughs at his antics and Yuuji’s 100-percent-done-with-your-bullshit expression. But all of them can probably see the light pink dusting on his cheekbones. His crush on Karasuno’s ex-Captain had never been a secret, considering Yuuji couldn’t keep one to save his life. They had all discovered his liking for the black-haired boy pretty soon after that match back then, and had teased Yuuji mercilessly for it.

 

“Can’t believe you actually got it on with him in the end,” Bobata says, eyes glinting with unconcealed mischief, “But then again, you _are_ the infamous Johzenji Playboy.”

 

“Yeah, say it louder, why don’t you?” Yuuji grumbles, levelling a glare at him. “If that gets out over here, and Daichi hears of it – ”

 

“Hah! You can’t fool us,” Numajiri exclaims. “I bet Sawamura loves your dark past. After all, if the rumours are anything to go by, all that experience is benefiting _him_ now.”

 

Yuuji can’t stop his face from flaming up immediately. It was one thing to wear his metaphorical playboy badge proudly back then in high-school, strutting around and parading his wealth of knowledge; but it’s different now. _He_ is different now. Every slight mention of Daichi makes him smile these days, and Yuuji likes keeping their love life private only so that he can keep Daichi to himself. The fewer people know, the less there will be any interruption.

 

“Shut up,” Yuuji says without much heat, pointedly going back to his ramen, while his friends around him continue their teasing. It’s not that big of a deal when it’s them; he supposes years of friendship entitles them to mock him that much at least. He tunes them out, but because of that he unintentionally tunes back in to others in the restaurant.

 

Just as the group of girls take up seats beside their table, he hears one girl ask, “So Sawamura said he’ll go with you?”

 

Yuuji looks up, and turns his head slightly, wondering where exactly Daichi is planning to go. He ignores his friends who are still laughing among themselves, remincining about past high school pranks they had orchestrated.

 

“Y-yeah,” one of the girls reply shyly, blushing all the way up to her roots. She looks cute, Yuuji can admit to himself. Dark brown hair, falling in soft ringlets past her shoulders, eyes devoid of make up but still big, and a nice, homely smile to accompany. “He, uh, he said he doesn’t mind going. Hasn’t been to an aquarium in a long time apparently.”

 

She laughs quietly then, a soft giggle. Very girlish and pretty, and Yuuji knows if he wasn’t already so in love, he would have made a move on this girl just then. But none of that matters right now because Yuuji can barely feel anything over the increasing chill settling under his skin. He feels a kind of din fall over his ears, unhearing of anything else anymore.

 

He knows he shouldn’t feel bothered. It’s nothing serious, it _isn’t_. He of all people knows that an outing with a friend means nothing, especially such an outing. Does it matter that conventionally this is the perfect date set-up? No, not really. But then, Daichi isn’t him, and even if Yuuji doesn’t buy into social norms, he knows Daichi does. He knows Daichi is the kind who would know that this girl was asking for a date, and in going, isn’t Daichi already acknowledging the date?

 

He sees in a clinical way that his hand holding the chopsticks is shaking, and before he can force it to stop, the sudden call of his name has him startling and jerking his head up.

 

“Terushima! Yo,” Higashiyama says, snapping his fingers in front of Yuuji’s face. “Where did you go, man?”

 

“Noth- Nothing,” Yuuji stammers, offering up a tremulous smile. He’s glad when his friends don’t see through him, because he doesn’t think he can deal with actually processing this information right now should they start interrogating him. But his relief is short lived.

 

“Hey so we were discussing anniversaries, you know?” Higashiyama continues. “Girls these days, they expect so much from anniversaries. I feel like I’m gonna go broke from trying to prepare the perfect anniversary date for my girlfriend.”

 

“I’m surprised a girl actually lasted long enough with you for you guys to even have an anniversary,” Yuuji jokes, smirking condescendingly, hoping it covered up the way his heart is jackhammering in his chest.

 

“Shut the fuck up,” Higashiyama grunts, flipping him off. “No, but seriously what did you and Sawamura do?”

 

This is exactly why his heart started beating erratically the moment this topic came up. Because right now really is not the time for this, not when the girl’s words are echoing in his mind in a continuous loop.

 

“Umm,” Yuuji starts. “We haven’t actually – ”

 

“Huh? I’m pretty sure you guys have been together for over a year already,” Numajiri comments.

 

“Actually, not really,” Yuuji says, shrugging his shoulders with feigned nonchalance. “I mean we have known each other for more than a year now, yeah, but like, I mean, we are guys! We never really stated an official date. We just kinda, you know…”

 

“What, started fucking?” Futamata says, with a raised eyebrow, looking far too pleased with himself.

 

“Lower your volume, thanks,” Izaka intones from his side when they hear the group of girls beside them gasp at Futamata’s obnoxiously loud question. “I don’t want to get kicked out before I finish my dinner.”

 

Honestly, Yuuji would like to just ignore the lot of them – walk away, go back home and curl up in his bed for a week, because he didn’t realize until now just how much all of this is starting to make his heart ache. That unease from a few weeks ago is now a full blown physical pain forcibly constricting his heart.

 

It’s Tsuchiyu, in the end, who notices his discomfort. Having never grown out of his nervous nature, he stutters out that he has recently been involved with a girl, effectively diverting all their attention to him instead. Yuuji knows what he is doing, and gives him a grateful nod when no one is looking. Tsuchiyu simply direct a barely there smile, and tries to deal with the rest of their friends ragging on him now.

 

Eventually, everyone leaves after finishing dinner and catching up. There is a round of unabashed hugs and joking punches to the stomach before they all split up. It takes Yuuji walking for half an hour before he decides to call up Daichi, hoping that the warm, deep voice of his boyfriend (the intrusive _is he really?_ in his mind is studiously ignored) would help calm down these nerves flaring up inside him.

 

“Hey,” Daichi answers. “How was dinner? Everyone good?”

 

It’s pathetic really, Yuuji thinks when he feels himself calming down immediately at the normalcy of the conversation starter. Daichi sounds perfectly interested in his answer like he always does with all things related to Yuuji, and it’s almost like a lifeline right then.

 

“Yeah,” Yuuji breathes out. “It was good. Everyone is still an asshole. Except for Tsuchiyu. He’s still great.”

 

“Ah, the libero, yes? I remember him. Or rather, I remember thinking he was the only normal one among all you wildlings,” Daichi says with a dry chuckle.

 

“Shut up,” Yuuji snaps, pretending to huff as though annoyed only so that he can hear Daichi apologize laughingly. “You don’t get to comment, I remember what Karasuno was like. But anyway, they said something today and…”

 

“And?”

 

“And we never really set a date for our anniversary, did we?”

 

Yuuji should have expected the awkward pause that follows his statement. Lately with all things going awry, he should just expect the worst case scenario to be the likeliest scenario in any given situation.

 

“Daichi?”

 

“Hmm? Yes, yes I suppose so,” Daichi comments slowly. “And I’m pretty sure the anniversary has passed though. We’ve been together for over a year only, can you imagine? Sometimes I feel like I have known you forever.”

 

Daichi’s self-conscious, embarrassed chuckle at saying something so sappy doesn’t make Yuuji as happy as it usually would. Instead he simply hums, and replies in a slightly subdued tone, “I guess it’s not a big dal, huh?”

 

But before Daichi can reply, Yuuji decides to change the subject, figuring that there is no point in dwelling on the topic when things – their relationship, _them_ – are slowly going wrong anyway. He acknowledges in a corner of his mind that he should probably fight this, fight _for_ Daichi, for their relationship. But simultaneously he also admits that at some point he must have turned fatalistic while he wasn’t looking; or why else would he be feeling this crushing sense of defeat that isn’t accompanies with his usual drive to overcome the defeat and come out victorious?

 

 

* * *

_I'm looking through you_

_While you're looking through your phone_

_And then leaving with somebody else_

* * *

**sight**

 

By this point, all Yuuji thinks about is the impending disaster that is their relationship. He wonders when Daichi will tell him, and then he wonders what he’ll do when Daichi does tell him, whether he wants Daichi to tell him even. He thinks of ways to fuck Daichi up, but then remembering that he loves the guy too much to do anything, he lets his fantasies go with a sigh.

 

At the same time, he realizes that he doesn’t blame Daichi either. Because if there’s one thing that got confirmed over past year is that Daichi is genuinely a good person, faithful to a fault, and if he is on the verge of cheating on him,, then he must have really fallen in love with the girl And falling in love with someone else is not something Yuuji can fault Daichi for (of course, secretly he still hates the situation, and curses the day he fell for Daichi and his muscles, and his personality, and his everything, _god, am I pathetic_ , he thinks).

 

Currently, he is trying to finish his readings for tommorow’s class while waiting in Daichi’s apartment for him to come back with take-away lunch. He kind of gives up trying to concentrate on his work because really, these days nothing seems to capture his attention long enough. As he looks around the apartment, he wonders almost dispassionately whether Daichi has noticed how Yuuji’s clothes and other belongings are starting to disappear from this place. The ache in his chest seems to get heavier when he thinks about how at some point he’ll have to return Daichi his apartment key, something Yuuji had been veritably ecstatic when Daichi had given it to him (he smirks a bit when he remembers how he had pleasured Daichi that entire weekend, and how they could barely walk on Monday).

 

Yuuji groans when he feels his dick hardening up, thinking of that sex-filled weekend. It has been quite some time since they had such a weekend, and it makes him feel horny now, wanting to have Daichi all to himself before it’s not possible at all.

 

Yuuji pops open the buttons on his jeans, and palms his dick. It’s just as he moans out Daichi’s name, imagining all the things he would like Daichi do, while lying on the sofa which is in direct line of sight of the front door, when Daichi opens said door, holding their lunch. He stops mid-step, eyes widening. He sees the the crown of Yuuji’s hard cock peeking out his underwear and the sight makes all the blood rush to his own dick.

 

Yuuji sees Daichi and immediately arches his back, groaning out his name louder. Daichi barely just manages to dump their lunch on the floor without spilling anything before he is pouncing on Yuuji.

 

Mouth latching on to Yuuj’s neck, Daichi slides his hands up and under Yuuji’s shirt, baring his muscled torso to heated eyes. Yuuji groans out loud when Daichi’s fingers twist his nipples in a practised move, back arching up and against Daichi’s chest. Teeth nibbling on Yuuji’s neck and tongue dragging up the veins straining against the skin there, Yuuji’s mind is devoid of all thoughts. Daichi continues to tug and pull and play with his nipples until they are too sensitive to touch, bordering on painful the way Yuuji likes it. Only when he sees the stiff nubs flushed and reddened up obscenely that Daichi takes one into his mouth. Sucking the tender flesh sends jolts throughout Yuuji’s body and one of his hands twists into Daichi’s hair. It’s almost unbearable in the way he can’t decide whether he wants to push his head away or pull it closer when Daichi closes his teeth over the nub almost deviously, grinning up at Yuuji’s reaction.

 

Yuuji feels the remaining dredges of his patience snap, and drags Daichi’s shirt up, wanting to feel skin against skin, flesh against flesh. Getting the hint, Daichi sits back on his haunches and pulls off his shirt, while Yuuji takes his off, almost ripping it off in his hurry for immediate gratification. With impatient, jerky moves, Yuuji has barely pushed his jeans and boxers down before he feels hot wet heat enveloping his leaking member.

 

Yuuji can admit the yelp he lets out is unmanly but it hardly matters then when Daichi is trying to suck his entire soul out of his dick. He knows anyone who has received from him can never stop singing praises of his skills, but he thinks the real expert is Daichi. Daichi with his dedication and methodical technique to the point of aggravation is the best Yuuji has ever had. Daichi has a strong gag reflex but the blatant disregard for his own discomfort and the consequent gagging on Yuuji’s dick makes the move all that much sexier to Yuuji. He almost always never lasts as long as he would like to, and as much as its embarrassing, it usually doesn’t matter because Yuuji would be too blissed out of his mind by then.

 

But most of all, he likes the way Daichi always smiles smugly at him, like he is now, when Yuuji comes within minutes of being blown. He loves the devilish attitude it brings out in Daichi, because it’s such a contrast to the seemingly responsible and boring attitude everyone else expects him to have. Yuuji likes knowing that he’s the only one who gets to see that particular smug stretch of lips.

 

Daichi is still wiping his mouth when Yuuji digs around under the sofa cushions for the lube he always stashed in there. He almost lobs the bottle at Daichi’s head in his need for haste. But ingrained reflexes are an advantage for a reason; Daichi barely even lifts his head to catch the bottle out of instinct. Yuuji doesn’t bother waiting for Daichi and turns himself over, presenting his asshole to Daichi in a submissive way he knows is sure to drive Daichi almost incoherent with lust. Daichi, predictably, yanks Yuuji's jeans and underwear off him with no gentleness, tossing them to the floor beside the sofa; he makes short work of his own pants and underwear as well - pulling them off with no pretence of sexiness, just wanting to get them off as fast as possible and throwing them over his shoulder somewhere. 

 

Yuuji is pleased when he feels Daichi’s fingers immediately starting to dig into his sides after that, pulling up his hips even higher. Daichi’s lips come down to take a hefty bite of his right butt cheek, the flesh stinging acutely. Yuuji can already feel the hickey forming over there, the blood clotting underneath his skin. Daichi never lets up the kisses and bites even while he pours lube over his fingers.

 

Yuuji loves the way Daichi opens up his hole, in a no-nonsense manner with his thick fingers. It’s done with quick, skillful movements of fingers – one, two, three fingers plunging into his hole, while a thumb teasingly stroking his perineum. Daichi barely lets him get used to the three fingers before he is lining up his dick against Yuuji’s twitching hole. Yuuji feels himself almost salivate in anticipation because he knows that the three fingers were wholly inadequate in preparing him for Daichi’s girth.

 

Predictably Yuuji ends up whining, half in pleasure and the other half in pain, as Daichi’s cock slowly pushes into Yuuji. It’s a burning drag into him and Yuuji revels in the sensation. Pure pleasure is good and all, but that extra tinge of pain makes it real for him, makes the experience all that much… _more_. It drives into him the solidity, the absolute reality of Daichi.

 

He can hear Daichi’s breath laboured behind him. He can feel the restraint exerted by Daichi in not simply just ramming into Yuuji as he would probably like to. He can feel the tight coil of his body, the tension being relayed through the palms gripping Yuuji’s hips, in the bruises being left behind by those fingers. And because Yuuji is a little shit, he purposely rolls his hips, forcing Daichi’s dick further into him. At the same time, he squeezes his walls around the hard flesh inside him.

 

He hears Daichi curse out loud, and grins into sofa where he has his face buried. Daichi clamps a hand on Yuuji’s head, and drags him up by the hair. Licking his left ear, Daichi says, “You – You did that – “ He pulls out ever so slightly and snaps his hips up harshly, “Purposely, didn’t you? Being a little shit. Well – “

 

Daichi gives his ear a particularly painful bite before pushing Yuuji down roughly by the back of neck.

 

“Well, let’s see how well you deal with the consequences of that.”

 

Bracing a hand against his nape, while the other hand guiding Yuuji’s hips, Daichi doesn’t let Yuuji orient himself before he starts to slam his hips against Yuuji’s. It’s quick and brutal, the way Daichi pulls out almost all the way before thrusting back in, forcing himself in deeper and deeper with every successive motion. Yuuji’s arms give out from the sheer force of Daichi’s movements and he lets himself hang limply while getting ploughed by Daichi. It feels thrilling to leave his body in the complete mercy of Daichi, and his will, and his body.

 

Yuuji can barely breath with his face pushed into the sofa, and his neck is starting to ache from the way Daichi’s fingers are digging into his muscles there, but it doesn’t matter. In fact, it’s great because it makes him feel –

 

Well, it makes him _feel_ , period.

 

Not to mention, he can sense Daichi’s pleasure in the minute contracting of his palm across his nape when Yuuji tightens on Daichi’s dick as he is pulling out and Daichi lets out an involuntary grunt; he can sense Daichi’s pleasure when Daichi pushes into him all that much rougher, and he mutters soft, almost indeterminable praises for Yuuji.

 

Unbelievably enough (though Yuuji thinks it shouldn’t be that inconceivable after this long), the pace picks up even more. Daichi now bends forwards and turning Yuuji’s head, he kisses Yuuji long and deep. Tongues moving in rhythm to their bodies, Daichi explores his mouth without leaving even a single inch untouched. He swipes his tongue across the roof of Yuuji’s mouth and it drags a moan out of Yuuji.

 

Yuuji reaches back and hooks an arms around Daichi’s neck, pushing himself up such that they are both kneeling. Daichi smooths the hand previously holding his back down Yuuji’s front, tracing the ridges of muscles and savouring the feel of those powerful muscles twitching and bucking under him palm. He stops his hand right above Yuuji’s dick where its bouncing against his stomach and leaking precum all over skin.

 

Daichi presses his hand down on Yuuji’s navel area, and whispers harshly into his ear, “How do you want it? Do you want my hand or want to come just from my cock?”

 

He punctuates his words with rhythmic snaps of his hips, and the sound flesh slapping against flesh is obscenely loud in the quiet of the afternoon. He doesn’t let up the infuriating pace, making it harder for Yuuji to even form a coherent though, let alone actually vocalize words.

 

His throat feels dry, but in between gasps, Yuuji breaths out, “Your…your dick. Ju-just your dick, Dai…Daichi!”

 

His last word ends in a shout, when Daichi doesn’t let him finish and sinks into Yuuji’s hole without any ceremony. All pretences of consideration abandoned, Daichi grabs on to Yuuji’s hips with both hands and sets a brutal pace of slamming in and out.

 

He nails Yuuji’s prostate with frightening accuracy every single time, something he has been avoiding all this while, and it makes Yuuji almost cry out from sheer pleasure. He doesn’t even need to turn around to see in order to actually feel Daichi’s intensity. He can tell even without looking that Daichi has tunnel vision right now and his sight is absolutely fixed on Yuuji’s hole where Daichi’s dick is disappearing into with every push inwards, because he can feel the intensity of the stare on his body like as though a flame is burning too near his skin. It almost always happens this way, be it they are facing each other or not like now – Daichi unerringly, unflinchingly stares down at where they are connected in those last few moments, watching like a hawk their joining, and waiting for his own come to spill into Yuuji and then spill out of his hole.

 

It’s a sight that drives Daichi mad with lust, and clouds over any judgement he still retains at that point.

 

Predictably, that’s exactly what happens. The moment Yuuji’s climax hits him, and he shouts, coming across his own stomach in streaks, his hole clenches down almost painfully on Daichi’s heated flesh inside him. It’s enough to force Daichi’s own climax, and he manages to plunge in once, twice, _thrice_ before he is coming inside Yuuji’s hole, pelvis pressed flush against Yuuji’s backside. The tremors run through them both but its only when Daichi pulls out slightly and the come starts leaking out from the sides of where his dick is plugging up Yuuji’s hole that he lets out a low groan and lowers his head onto Yuuji’s sweat-slicked back.

 

Yuuji’s thighs shaking from the exertion, hold them up for maybe four seconds before he is slumping face down on the sofa with Daichi spread across his back. Neither of them can move and Yuuji doesn’t bother telling Daichi to at least pull his dick out of his hole. In a rather perverse way, he likes the feel of Daichi’s large member going soft inside him.

 

Floating in the bliss of post-coitus haze, Yuuji lets Daichi turn him over after some time passes and clean him with a wet cloth. He doesn’t even open his eyes until Daichi comes back, having disposed of the soiled cloth, and sits down on the sofa, rearranging them such that Yuji’s legs are now on Daichi’s lap. He cracks open an eye when he feels Daichi starting to massage the sole of his feet in that absent-minded way of his wherein he doesn’t realize what he’s doing because he is focusing on something else entirely, and sees –

 

Well.

 

He sees Daichi looking through his phone, smiling in a way that reaches all the way to his eyes.

 

Yuuji has come to attribute that smile with anything to do with Daichi’s old Karasuno team, or, more recently, with him, Yuuji.

 

He acknowledges that that smile lighting up Daichi’s face could very well have something to do with Hinata or Asaha and Nishinoya, but something – call it a sixth sense, perhaps – makes Yuuji almost 100% sure that whatever Daichi is looking at has to do with that girl from the ramen shop.

 

Yuuji can’t remember the last time he felt himself go from cloud nine to the lowest depths of hell that easily, and that fast.

 

He doesn’t know what to do. Maybe he can pull his legs away but he doubts that would even register on Daichi’s senses considering he is now ignoring the massage and is typing out a message to that girl (presumably). And still that smile remains.

 

It feels acutely like those times Yuuji’s girlfriends used to tell him that he was only there with them physically but in no other way. His mind was always somewhere else, heart otherwise occupied and suddenly all of those comments his girlfriends used to throw at him back then makes sense now.

 

“Daichi.”

 

Yuuji pulls his legs away and sits up when Daichi doesn’t respond. He pulls on his boxers lying on the ground beside the sofa, feeling the need to protect himself through flimsy that armour may be.

 

“Daichi,” he says again, sitting back down. This time Daichi looks up, expression belying his surprise.

 

Yuuji wonders almost clinically what he is startled about, that Yuuji is still there perhaps?

 

“Daichi, this can’t go on,” Yuuji says, heart cracking with every word he utters.

 

Daichi looks adorably confused at first, but a flicker of Yuuji’s eyes to where Daichi’s fingers are still clutching his phone and then back up to his face clears away the doubt in Daichi’s expression. Those beautiful black eyes that Yuuji so loves shutters close only to open up with a determined look that, no matter how Yuuji tries to reinterpret, still appears guilty.

 

What hurts more is perhaps the way Daichi isn’t even hiding the guilt, almost acknowledging it even. Because responsible, mature Daichi being the amazing person that he is will never shirk his duties. It makes Yuuji want to shove his breaking heart into an abyss and never let it back out again.

 

“I’m sorry,” is what Daichi says. He doesn’t offer up excuses, and in a sudden bout of selfish vindictiveness, Yuuji wishes he would only so that he could then get angry at Daichi and throw a few punches.

 

But because he doesn’t, offer up excuses that is, Yuuji settles for, “Why?”

 

“I’m sorry, it just happened. She…she is nice. And no matter how much I try, I can’t seem to stop. But it’s not physical! I just – I. She has an amazing personality. It’s hard to – “

 

“Hard to ignore. Yeah, I get it,” Yuuji says, laughing self-deprecatingly, remembering the lovely giggle that girl had let out back then, the vivaciousness of the moment captured in her dainty laugh. He gets it, he really does. Moreover –

 

“You used to be straight too. So I guess it makes sense that you’d end up liking a girl in the end,” Yuuji says.

 

“No! It has got – “ Daichi tries to say, but unable to continue when he realizes he doesn’t actually know what he wants to say.

 

“Sure, it does. The fear was always there, but I guess in recent months, with everything going so smoothly, I forgot all about it,” Yuuji replies lightly, a stark contrast to the weight bearing down on his heart.

 

“I’m sorry, Yuuji,” Daichi breathes out, and Yuuji almost pities him in that moment. Someone so unused to making any mistakes, making one that is so socially reprehensible, it is bound to take its toll on Daichi now that they are both acknowledging it. “I’ll fix it,” Daichi says.

 

“We’ve just been hanging out and talking,” he says, and Yuuji chooses not to point out that that is essentially dating considering the romantic feelings involved.

 

“With nothing physical there, I can stop it,” Daichi continues, and Yuuji ignores that too; because to not ignore would mean to get his hopes up and Yuuji isn’t a fool no matter others say.

 

“I’m sorry,” Daichi says again, arms moving forward to surround Yuuji, and bring him into Daichi’s chest. Yuuji lets himself be led, because who knows how long he will get to have this?

 

Yuuji settles in, enveloped within Daichi’s embrace. He knows this is as much for him, as it is for Daichi who wants to assure himself that he hasn’t become _that_ bad guy yet. Yuuji doesn’t have the heart to tell him he doesn’t blame Daichi. More like, he can’t really feel his heart anymore from the continuous jolts of pain streaking through it, making him feel numb all over.

 

They spend the rest of the day in eerie quietness before Yuuji disentangles himself from Daichi late in the evening. Daichi has long fallen into a restless sleep, and Yuuji drapes a blanket over him before packing up his things and escaping quietly into the night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so wow this turned into a monstrosity. I never intended it to become this long or this sappy and there isn't even any sexy scene in the second chapter. Oh well, kinda weird and I feel like I've just gone through what they've through simply by writing this.
> 
> and okay first things first, so sorry it's this late. Uni sort of ate my life. ugh.
> 
> and OKAY IMPT BITS i suppose:  
> Harumi (春美): Japanese name meaning "spring beauty" --> i totally got this off the net, so if it's wrong let me know, and i'll go curl up in embarrassment somewhere
> 
> Second disclaimer is that the part on homophobic Japanese society - yeah that, it's based off of what my friend who did a 6-months exchange over there told me, so again it's honestly not meant to offend anyone, and if it's completely off-base let me know.
> 
> and lastly, holy shit guys. I'm so much more in love with TeruDai now than i ever have been so i have a feeling i might just continue this as a series later on. Like short chapters (haha short for me i mean LEL they'll probably still be thousands plus words long) on their lives after this. so let me know whatcha guys think and okay!
> 
> ENJOY!

_I don't want your body but_   
_I'm picturing your body with somebody else_

* * *

**smell**

 

The conversation that afternoon takes a toll on them, on their relationship.

 

Messages that used to be a continuous stream from when they woke up in the morning till when they went to sleep at night becomes a trickle. Daichi who, ever since they became a _thing_ , never failed to send him a ‘How are you? Doing good?’ text midway through the day now fails to even reply to Yuuji’s message, let alone actually initiating any contact.

 

But not all the fault lies with Daichi though. Yuuji too at some point, out of frustration, or perhaps out of certain apathy, stops trying to start conversations with Daichi. And when he sees Daichi starting to take make an effort again (who knows, maybe it’s because Daichi felt his absence without the messages as a point of contact), Yuuji doesn’t respond as enthusiastically as one would have hoped.

 

The buzz around their impending break-up spreads through the campus, and having to deal with a guilty Daichi who is only trying to do the best he can on top of already trying to deal with the repercussions of such gossip becomes too much for Yuuji. He thinks maybe it’s comeuppance for having been so open about their relationship. He never bought into social norms or the latent homophobia surrounding modern Japanese society even before he got together with Daichi, and would always instead shove his happy, perfect, and _very_ gay relationship in people’s faces after he _did_ get together with Daichi. And yeah, he did feel smug back then, because honestly, anyone who saw them couldn’t deny the easy perfection of their relationship. Daichi too, once he got on board with the idea of dating a man, never shied away from it; he made it perfectly clear to anyone who would actually dare to broach the topic with him, that he wasn’t ashamed of Yuuji, not for his gender, and definitely not for his punk-like looks and attitudes. In short, people didn’t lack for problems regarding Yuuji, and considering the respect Daichi garnered wherever he went, it made sense that quite a few people took up issues with Yuuji and all his imagined shortcomings.

 

But eventually it stopped when people realized Daichi was like an immovable rock – no, boulder – when he made up his mind, and that he could not be swayed with such talk, it stopped when people realized, that _hey, these guys are actually sickeningly in love_ , it stopped when people started respecting them for their willpower and imperviousness to the criticisms swirling around them.

 

And so they became the ‘IT’ couple (to borrow the term from trashy American teen shows) in the university – people accepted them, couples aspired to be them, and Yuuji is pretty sure there is some underground smutty fanfiction and doujinshis about them floating around somewhere amongst the fujoshis and fudanshis. He used to revel in all of that back then. But now –

 

Not so much.

 

Because now, all those people who had quietened back then when faced with the overwhelming force of people trying to be progressive and open and accepting, even celebrating, of Yuuji and Daichi’s relationship – yeah those guys who never agreed with all of _that_ , they may have had been silenced back then, but now they are back with a vengeance. Vicious gossip follows and clings to Yuuji with every step he takes within the campus. Starting from ‘ _fag_ ’ to ‘ _cockslut_ ’ to ‘ _get out of here_ ’ and many more. It feels like a constant barrage of viscous dark, suffocating liquid creeping up behind his back, trying to drown him.

 

However, honestly, that isn’t even the worst of it.

 

No, the worst is the pity. Because the others who had eventually accepted the pair of them and their relationship so wholeheartedly, it seemed like, _now_ , these people are the most disappointed ones (yeah, _as if_ , no one could beat Yuuji on that front) with their imminent split. The side glances filled with sympathy, and the bitten off offers to console him sting worse than any of the blatant insults at his character ever do.

 

And isn’t it just like society (however micro the university setting is) to go so far as to pity Yuuji but not blame Daichi. Because after all, the girl – _Harumi_ , and really, Yuuji doesn’t know how to compete with a girl with that kind of name – is the epitome of girl-next-door, there being some sort of an unrivalled freshness to her. Recently it’s become hard to keep himself from blaming Daichi for his misery. He honestly doesn’t want to because in his mind, he’s aware it is not his fault, but it is a difficult job convincing his splintering heart.

 

And so considering that these days his ire is almost always at risk of flowing over into outright anger, it’s no surprise that he snaps at Daichi when he comes back to his own apartment and finds Daichi already there. Yuuji notices and yet doesn’t acknowledge that Daichi is in there in the first place to surprise him with a nice candle-lit dinner. All he feels when he sees Daichi standing there is _red, angry, sad, black, red, mean red, go away_.

 

“Why are you here?” asks Yuuji, the vitriol in his tone making Daichi recoil.

 

“Just wanted to surprise you,” Daichi said, approaching him slowly, “We haven’t seen each other for some time.”

 

 _Yeah, nine days_ , Yuuji’s brains supplies, a tidbit of information completely unwanted right now. It makes Yuuji’s heart pang with loneliness, because under all those layers of anger, there is genuine sadness – sadness he tries to bury and suppress constantly to retain his sanity but obviously, it isn’t working as well as he would like.

 

And then there is the longing – longing for days long past, longing for the guy he fell in love with, longing for his attention and entire love. Sometimes it’s this yearning that keeps him awake at night, and admitting to himself that it’s precisely this that has him still tethered to Daichi. Because by this point he can’t imagine a life without him – even though it’s only been one year and then some since they’ve met again (not to mention the crush Yuuji has harboured since high school before that) – and he is still hoping for some sort of comeback, that maybe Daichi will change his mind and choose him all over again; and Yuuji will cling on with tooth and nail if there’s even the slightest inkling of that happening.

 

It’s just as he is thinking this now, calming himself down with the thought of how he has already promised himself what he intends to do, that there isn’t any point in losing it right here, right now when Daichi comes closer – still talking, not that Yuuji is paying attention. And he comes close enough, presumably to hug him but that closeness is what pushes Yuuji over in the end.

 

Because that unmistakable scent on Daichi’s skin, emanating from Daichi’s person, _that_ – that is an undeniably feminine scent.

 

Yuuji can feel the edges of his vision bleeding red, the rage boiling over so much so that his ears seem to be ringing and he wants to claw at something – _anything_ – just to ground himself back to reality. He doesn’t even realize it until it’s already happened and Daichi is lying on the floor in front of him that he just pushed Daichi away from him, unaware of the force he used. He stares down at his own palms and suddenly he wants to cry.

 

The apology is on the tip of his tongue, but for some unknown reason the surprise written all over Daichi’s face stops him. He sees Daichi stand up, and he wonders, for a disconnected moment there, why Daichi seems to be shaking, and _shit, did I accidentally hurt him?_ But then Daichi’s hands clamp down on his forearms and Yuuji realizes it’s _him_ who’s trembling all over.

 

He sees the question Daichi is about to ask in the furrow of his eyebrows, and isn’t it just so sad that now that he can read Daichi so well, he wishes he couldn’t do any of it? But he sees the question there nonetheless and he pulls himself away from him, turning away to hide the tears threatening to spill over.

 

Yuuji thinks about how life always seems to come back around to a circle, because the last time he was on the verge of tears like this was after that match back in his second year when he lost to Daichi’s then-Karasuno team. He feels a dry chuckle get stuck in his throat because it’s always Daichi, it’s never not Daichi in everything life-changing that has happened to him in the past few years.

 

He shrugs off the hand Daichi places on his shoulder, and instead says, “Sorry, I – I didn’t realize my own strength.”

 

It’s a strange thing, this dichotomous feeling within him that he wants Daichi to notice the way his voice is trembling just as much as he _doesn’t_ want him to notice it at all. Yuuji is quickly discovering that it’s difficult holding on to pride when the heart is in absolute tumult.

 

He hears Daichi sigh behind him, and take a deep breath. “You know. I don’t know how, but you know.”

 

“Yeah,” Yuuji replies and that humourless laugh finally dislodges itself from his throat only to come out as a mocking sound reverberating across the space surrounding them.

 

“Will it help if I say sorry? Tell me how I can make this better. Anything,” Daichi says, tone pleading.

 

Yuuji turns around and isn’t surprised to see the regret on Daichi’s face, because after all this is Daichi. The guy can make mistakes, sure, but he suffers because he is too good at recognizing his own shortcomings.

 

“I want to ask why,” Yuuji says, sighing as he sits down on the couch. “But we both know it won’t help anything. Fuck – just, fuck this.”

 

He rubs his eyes roughly, hoping the stinging behind his eyelids would miraculously disappear. He shrinks into himself when he feels the couch dip beside him from Daichi’s weight, and he knows Daichi notices it, because Yuuji can hear his sharp intake of breath at Yuuji’s almost-flinch from being near him.

 

“Yuuji. Yuuji – I. Shit. I _am_ sorry. I love you, I know you don’t believe me right now, but I do,” Daichi breathes out, and he turns in as if to kiss Yuuji. Yuuji’s temper starts to fray again, because he can’t believe Daichi is pulling this shit on him. He pointedly turns away from him, squeezing his eyes shut.

 

“It’s killing me seeing you hurt this way, seeing you actually shy away from me –” Daichi tries to continue.

 

“Yeah, what the fuck do you expect?” Yuuji asks harshly, the leash on his temper finally snapping, with his voice gradually rising. “I can _smell_ her on you. Did you even think about that before you came over? Why the fuck did you even come over? Was it to assuage your own guilt? Bloody hell, Daichi!”

 

Yuuji knows that if he doesn’t put some distance between them right now, he’s going to slug Daichi one in the face, and the last time Yuuji fought was back in high-school after his last tournament match because that one guy he hated from the baseball team had just told him the volleyball team sucked for never making it to nationals. His fighting tendencies had decreased when he finally got into university, and even further after he met up with Daichi again; it figures that it’s Daichi who would be on the edge of bringing him back to it.

 

Yuuji takes a deep breath, turns sharply to face Daichi. Looking him square in the eyes, he says, “I love you, Daichi. More than you can ever know. And on a normal day I would be so fucking embarrassed to say that, but right now. Well. The thing is, I love you. But I need time on my own right now.”

 

He sees Daichi opening his mouth to interrupt, but Yuuji doesn’t let him.

 

“Look, I kept trying to convince myself that it wasn’t happening, that you weren’t actually cheating on me, and then when it _was_ actually happening, I kept trying convince myself that you will choose me in the end. But. But appa – apparently not,” Yuuji says, voice cracking halfway.

 

He swallows the lump in his throat, and refuses to let himself feel sorry for the way in which Daichi’s shoulder slump. There is something deeply disturbing about seeing someone with such broad, strong shoulders hunch in this pathetic manner.

 

If this was three years ago, _hell_ , even two years ago, Yuuji might have taken some sort of vindictive pleasure in the way Daichi seems to be getting affected by his words, but now –

 

He realizes that this is probably the best indication of his love for Daichi. Because even through all this, Yuuji is hurting double – knowing that his blunt words are the reason for Daichi’s drooping shoulders, and he hates that for them, it’s come to the point where _he_ is the reason for Daichi’s pain, just as much Daichi is the reason for his.

 

He almost reaches out to Daichi on his way towards the front door, but catches himself in the last moment. Clenching his fists so tight that his knuckles turn white, he walks out of the apartment.

 

Yuuji walks. He doesn’t know for how long. He walks mechanically, one foot in front of the other – just completing the motions. Winter is nearly upon them, and the evening wind bites at his skin as he walks towards the park a few streets down from his apartment. He ignores the shivers that wrack up and down his body as he sits on those cold stone benches and watches everyone still milling around in the park. He watches with unfocused eyes, watching but unseeing.

 

All he can really see is the droop of Daichi’s shoulders and the guilt etched in his expression. He keeps thinking of the kiss he rebuked, that which Daichi wanted to give him. Even now, it makes him feel nauseous, thinking about kissing Daichi. It isn’t that he doesn’t love him; he does. But that fragrance, that almost intangible presence of that girl left on Daichi’s skin – all it does is make Yuuji imagine them together. The ways in which that trace of her could have transferred to him, what they must have been doing, and he imagines their bodies entangling with each other with Yuuji looking in from the outside, and it makes him want to hurl till he bleeds.

 

Yuuji thinks he must have lost track of time because the next moment when he’s once again aware of his surroundings he realizes the park is nearly empty, and Sugawara is sitting beside him, holding two cans of hot coffee. He startles a bit, and scowls at the teasing smile tugging on Sugawara’s lips.

 

Taking one can from Sugawara’s outstretched hand, he says, “Thanks, Suga-san. Been a long time, huh?”

 

“Really? Last saw you on your birthday, I believe,” Suagawara says, popping his can open, and taking a sip. “I still have videos of you drunk and trying to strip on a table.”

 

Yuuji’s chuckles despite himself; it’s hard not to, remembering what happened that night. “What can I say? Some talents should not be hidden.”

 

“Mhmm, is that what you call it?” Sugawara replies, tone turning a tad mocking, just enough to make Yuuji feel indignant. But before he can protest, Sugawara says, “All that aside, how you doing?”

 

“Heh, I was just thinking it’s such a huge coincidence seeing you out here so late,” Yuuji says, turning away to open his own can. “After all, you stay six stations away. Daichi called you, didn’t he?”

 

“Who else? He’s worried when you didn’t go back even after four hours. _More_ than four hours.”

 

“Hmm, what does it matter anymore?” Yuuji sighs out, tipping his head back and staring up at the sky above. It should be pitch black, he thinks, but cities are so different from the small towns. The spillover light always drowns out the stars here. It’s a little sad, he think at that moment. He feels a little like those stars right now – because it’s not that he doesn’t shine, but that there’s someone brighter now, drowning his glow out.

 

“Do you know?” Yuuji eventually asks when no one speaks for several minutes. “Or have you always known?”

 

“Come on, I may have been Daichi’s friend first but when he’s being an asshole I wouldn’t support him,” Sugawara says with a frown. “If I had known, I would have told you.”

 

“Not that it would have mattered, because I found out almost right at the start,” says Yuuji, expelling a self-deprecating laugh into the air. “So? Daichi told you now then?”

 

“Yeah, he called in a panic when you didn’t go back after an hour or so. He – Recently, he was behaving differently. But neither Asahi nor I, we couldn’t figure out what was going on. And Daichi’s not the type to go on about himself, on a normal day, let alone when we only meet up once every month now.”

 

“Tell me about it. Actually don’t. I know far too much about Daichi, so much so that – “

 

“That you can’t bring yourself to hate him although he’s being an absolute jerk right now? Because why? Daichi can never make mistakes?”

 

“Fuck off. You and I both know that’s not it. You know that I know Daichi can make mistakes. It’s just that he – he. He hurts when he makes mistakes because he believes so many people depend on him not to,” Yuuji says, voice heavy. He heaves a deep sigh and rubs his hand down his face.

 

“So what? You should excuse him? This is not that type of mistake and you know it. He could have stopped it whenever he wanted to. Why do you think I’m so pissed off?” Sugawara asks heatedly. “Instead of being there, helping him, I’m out here talking to you, because Daichi is so wrong this time, that I can’t even – ”

 

“I know. And this is what makes me stupid, doesn’t it? God, all those times I never committed to anyone and now that I have, this is what happens. And the worst part is I can’t even hate him because I love him, and if he’s happy with her, he should be with her.”

 

“You are stupid,” Sugawara states bluntly. And then, rubbing Yuuji’s head affectionately, he says, “But you deserve better. And you’re right. No point fighting this, fighting for Daichi. Do you know what I think?”

 

“What?”

 

“Daichi – he. He always did the responsible thing. Back in high-school there was this girl who really liked him. Like she would stammer half the time, and the other half of the time, they would be talking volleyball captain stuff so that didn’t count. But Daichi never noticed. God, he’s so dense sometimes,” Sugawara recalls, laughing lightly.

 

In a moment of dissonance, Yuuji thinks of how beautiful that sound is; but Daichi’s is more beautiful, his brains adds unhelpfully.

 

“Daichi never noticed because he was always too busy with volleyball,” Sugawara continues. “Always putting the team first. But then again, at that time, so did I. So did all the third years, and everyone on the volleyball team. It was natural to prioritize volleyball over everything else, it seemed so huge back then. Now, not so much. But – “

 

“But what?” Yuuji asks.

 

“There was another reason he never noticed that girl and her crush. Because he was always attracted to the troublemakers,” Sugawara says, a devilish smile lighting up his face. As though he loves telling this story just because he knows it would probably drive Daichi mad from embarrassment. “There was that biker chick we knew dropped out of school, and then there was Kuroo, and – “

 

“Wait, Kuroo? Kuroo as in Kuroo Tetsurou? Wasn’t Daichi straight?” Yuuji asks, sitting upright, and staring at Sugawara with a shocked expression.

 

“Mmm, Daichi probably thought so? I mean he has only ever dated girls before you. Even his first girlfriend back in first year of high school was a girl who was almost always in detention! And then the girl he sort of dated before you, wow was she scary or what? Asahi literally ran away from her 90% of the time.”

 

“Wait so what? He’s not straight?”

 

“Look, sexualities aren’t so fixed. Daichi’s not as conventional as you might think. And no, it’s not because of you that he became a rule-breaker. You should know that well, considering the kind of things you two get up to,” Sugawara says with a pointed glance at him. Yuuji has a distinct, and very uncomfortable, feeling that Sugawara is talking about their not-so-usual bedroom activities.

 

He gulps and says, “Suga-san, you’re the one who’s scary.”

 

Sugawara laughs brightly, patting him lightly on the back.

 

“What are you saying? I’m so nice,” he replies jovially, though his smirk tells a whole different story. “And so no, I don’t think Daichi was ever as straight. But that’s not the point. The point is he has always been attracted to well, a certain type which obviously couldn’t be further than you.”

 

“So what? Clearly, that’s not the case anymore,” Yuuji replies sullenly, suddenly remembering why they are having this conversation in the first place.

 

Sugawara sighs, and pinches the bridge of his nose dramatically. “Must I spell out everything? Most people, if they hit a rebellious phase, start going for exactly opposite of their type. But in Daichi’s case, the exact opposite of his type is everyone else’s perfectly, normal choice.”

 

Yuuji gets what Sugawara is saying now. He gets it, and he hates it that Daichi has hit his rebellious stage so late into the game. _The guy is in his twenties for fuck’s sake_ , Yuuji thinks bitterly, and a little incredulously. But in the end, it still doesn’t matter.

 

“And so what? I should wait for him to finish going through this metaphorical romantic-sexual puberty? And then what, he’ll come back to me? Is that you’re saying?” Yuuji scoffs even as he asks these questions rhetorically.

 

Sugawara rolls his eyes, and huffs. “No, you stupid. You should do what makes you happy. You wanna wait, up to you. You don’t wanna wait, that too is up to you. What I just wanted to say was that it’s good you’re not fighting to tie Daichi to you because it would only make him feel caged when he wants to do so-called _different_ things, date a _different_ kind of person.”

 

“Thanks for telling me Suga-san. But that doesn’t change anything. You just told me why what I’m doing is good, like what’s the point?”

 

“Don’t be cheeky!” Sugawara retorts, cuffing him lightly on the shoulder but smiling indulgently at him. It makes Yuuji’s heart settle for some reason, like things might be alright after all. “I said all that also because now you know that if and when you two break up, you’ll still have me to talk to. Don’t think Daichi’s friends are going to leave with him and take his side automatically. _And_ that you should have told me all this was happening earlier, Terushima.”

 

 _Ah_ , Yuuji thinks, _that’s the warm feeling I was getting_. He smiles genuinely then, after god knows how long, and knocks his almost empty can against Sugawara’s in aa show of embarrassed gratitude.

 

 

* * *

_I just don't believe that you have got it in you_   
_Cause we are just gonna keep din' it and every time_   
_I start to believe in anything you're saying_   
_I'm reminded that I should be getting over it_

* * *

**taste**

 

Despite the awareness that their relationship has an expiry date, the relationship doesn’t actually end as neatly as Yuuji imagined it would. In fact, it doesn’t end at all, not until –

 

Not until things become too bad to be salvaged anymore.

 

Yuuji recognizes that in part, it’s his fault. His fault for not asserting that they break up. He probably shouldn’t have waited for Daichi to end things between them at his own time and pace, because clearly that won’t ever happen – or so Yuuji quickly comes to realize.

 

But it isn’t like they see each other anymore. Because they don’t; the last time Yuuji saw Daichi is nearly two weeks ago and even then it had been in passing because the moment Yuuji had caught sight of Daichi, he had ducked into the nearest building to avoid him.

 

At this point, Yuuji believes they are broken up all but officially. Yuuji doesn’t think it should matter – not until he gets a call from his volleyball seniors one afternoon. These days he’s taken to going for practice only when he knows Daichi won’t be there, and today is not such a day. He groans when he sees Miyaji’s name flashing on the screen of his phone, thinking he is calling to scold him about skipping practice again.

 

“Hello, senpai? I have group proj – “

 

“Terushima! I don’t care about all that. Save your excuses. I want you here to drag Sawamura back home. He is too sick to stand, let alone practice but he’s not listening to anyone,” Miyaji says, sounding extremely annoyed.

 

“And? What do you want me to do about it?” Yuuji is genuinely confused.

 

“Like I just said, drag him back,” Miyaji replies, the ‘duh’ left unsaid but clearly heard.

 

“Huh? No,” Yuuji says bluntly. “Ask – “

 

“Nah, I don’t care,” Miyaji interrupts him, tone brooking no argument. “Just get your ass here. He’s asking for you as it is.”

 

Yuuji’s words get stuck in his throat and before he can think to say anything at all, Miyaji hangs up on him.

 

Yuuji rubs a tired hand across his face, the sigh he lets out sounds more than weary. He wonders if this is retribution for all the wrong he had done to people before. Karma shouldn’t be _this_ real, Yuuji thinks bitterly while turning around to make his towards the university’s gym.

 

When he arrives he sees two of his seniors physically holding down Daichi. Yuuji wonders if it’s okay to call Sugawara and fob Daichi off on him, because even when they were together Yuuji hated taking care of sick Daichi who just became more stubborn as he got sicker – and now, when they are _not_ together, well, this is starting to look more and more like a nightmare.

 

It takes surprisingly little coaxing from Yuuji to get Daichi to follow him and isn’t that just a knife into his heart (because who can mistake the implications of that?). Yuuji knows that by this point, anything Daichi and he do to each other, with each, in relation to each other, whatever – none of that have any basis in romantic feelings, but are simply leftover attachments from having been together so intimately for so long.

 

They are merely muscle memories of what had been, except it’s not just muscles but their entire beings. When Yuuji finally manages to half-carry Daichi back to his apartment, a single sweep of glance across the apartment tells him it’s not just him who’s been unable to let go of old habits.

 

Because as much as Yuuji has still been sleeping on the left because Daichi took left, and as much as it took Yuuji days before he stopped making breakfast for two automatically, he saw such signs all over Daichi’s apartment. The fluffy, crow house slippers Yuuji prefers still kept out and clean at the entrance (the old Karasuno team had gotten those for him when they found about him dating their ex-captain, and he loves that pair), the coffee Daichi probably made for him in the morning without thinking still left untouched on the table in his preferred mug. It’s nothing short of heart-breaking, but Yuuji ignores them all and pulls Daichi to his bedroom and dumps him on the bed.

 

It takes some time and persuasion before he convinces Daichi to change his clothes and get under the blanket. Yuuji completes the motions almost automatically, not thinking too hard about what he is doing here, why he is doing all of it. _Denial is close to ignorance, right?_ Yuuji thinks desperately, _and ignorance is bliss, they say_.

 

It’s pathetic to see the instant soup he had bought weeks ago is still in Daichi’s kitchen cupboards because honestly, when will these karmic signs let up?

 

Still, he makes him the requisite soup, gets him a glass of hot water, Panadol and forces them down his throat because the only way to deal with sick Daichi is to leave no room for negotiation.

 

He checks Daichi’s temperature and seeing the high degree, he leaves the room to get him a cool cloth to place on his forehead. When Yuuji comes back, he hears Daichi mumbling his name and it’s so endearing that for a second Yuuji wavers.

 

Yuuji places the cold cloth on his forehead and swipes an indulgent thumb across Daichi’s feverish, flushed cheek. Trailing the finger down, he traces Daichi’s lips before starting to pull away. Daichi catches his hand, dark eyes cracking open slightly to peer at Yuuji’s face. In a surprising show of strength, Daichi pulls Yuuji down to slot their lips together.

 

Maybe it’s the fever or maybe it’s just them, Daichi’s lips feel so hot – burning – on his and all Yuuji wants is to sink deeper into that heat. He hasn’t forgotten the taste of Daichi, that undeniable earthiness, that slick heat that spreads so easily because it’s Daichi kissing him, and the unmistakable way Daichi always licks the roof of his mouth. And it’s just as Yuuji gives in to that spark between them that the doorbell rings.

 

It shocks Yuuji into stumbling back enough to fall on his butt. He sees Daichi almost opening his mouth to say something but the sneezes that start attacking him at that moment halt the words. The bell rings again and Yuuji feels suspended in that moment – like he’s there but not really, as though he’s part of that time and space but also looking in from somewhere high up. It’s disconcerting and only when the bell rings again that Yuuji regains enough of his consciousness to get up and move out to the entrance door.

 

He’s still feeling shaky and unstable when he opens the door only to see Harumi there. The wide eyes, the shock, and then the suspicion that enters her eyes makes Yuuji want to laugh. Laugh because today has been an incredible day of coincidences and fateful occurrences one only finds in bad shows and books. Who could have imagined today of all days Daichi would fall sick, only to have Yuuji pick him up and then give in to temptation and then get interrupted by the one person he never wants to meet.

 

Karma apparently is an actual thing.

 

“Hi…” Harumi says hesitantly. “You’re –“

 

“Leaving!” Yuuji interrupts. Leaving the door open, he turns away to grab his bag from where he had dropped it on the floor near the entrance and stuffing his feet into his shoes, he slips past her and out of the apartment. He doesn’t wait for her to say anything, and he thinks maybe she calls out to him, but he steadfastly ignores her, almost running down the corridors without looking like he is desperately trying to escape.

 

It takes him three days after that to come to terms with what happened at Daichi’s apartment. When Daichi and he meet up the following week, it isn’t so hard to look at him anymore, and it’s almost easy to smile at him even (not really, it still hurts too much, but one can hope). He feels like a weight has been lifted off him (however cliché that sounds), knowing what he now knows and will tell Daichi.

 

He decides to meet Daichi at his apartment, because it would make for an easy exit and less chance for any unnecessary scene to be created.

 

When Daichi opens the door, Yuuji enters but doesn’t linger close to Daichi for any unnecessary amount of time. He’s glad Daichi doesn’t make any overtures to touch him. They sit on either ends of the couch and facing each other.

 

Yuuji takes one breath, and then another, and yet another before he gathers up enough courage to look at Daichi and really see him. He takes in the much loved curve of Daichi’s jaw, the veins on his neck Yuuji used to love licking, and the broad, rough hands now clenched and loosely settled on his lap. He doesn’t know when might be the next time he’ll see Daichi again, not when Daichi is graduating in a few months and Yuuji will be doing all he can to avoid him on campus from now on.

 

He sees Daichi staring at him too, he sees the worry that enters Daichi’s eyes when he undoubtedly notices the little weight Yuuji has lost in the past few months.

 

“How’s your cold?” Yuuji asks before Daichi starts asking questions he isn’t ready to answer yet.

 

Daichi peers at Yuuji for an extended moment, before sighing. “Good, completely gone. Yuuji – “

 

“That’s great!”

 

“Let me finish,” Daichi growls, expression turning dark. “You keep doing this lately. I know I fucked up, but let me finish this time.”

 

Yuuji shuts his mouth with a click, because Daichi like this is one to be reckoned with.

 

“It’s my fault, I know,” Daichi begins, words coming out in halting pieces.

 

“I know. And I have no right to ask you to wait for me. I know why you’re here. It’s obvious. Your face still gives everything away, Yuuji,” Daichi continues, his laugh coming out a little choked. “But I still want to ask you to wait. I want to but – “

 

“But it’s not fair to me or to her,” Yuuji states in a carefully neutral tone.

 

“Yes. Kind of figures, doesn’t it? One of the few times I want to be selfish, the request comes at too high a price for me to even request it without guilt.”

 

“Which is why I’m not leaving the decision up to you anymore. I can take that burden off you at least. Now it will always be me in the end who didn’t stay, so you can feel less guilt over that at least.”

 

“That’s not as much of a gift as you’re trying to make it sound,” Daichi replies dryly. “So? Why now? Why not a a month ago when you walked out that night?”

 

Yuuji exhales audibly.

 

“Because I can’t let you be tainted anymore, and not your memories either. Also do you remember when we first started talking and one day you scolded me for making passes at girls walking by?”

 

“Yes, it had reminded me of what you did to Shimizu.”

 

“Yeah, and being with you taught me better, it _made_ me better. Being with you made me realize how I had been with all the people up till then – that way was so wrong. I became a better person, it’s not that I respected just the girls more but everyone in general and you taught me that.

 

“I can’t ruin a girl’s happiness now because of you too. I saw her face that day, when we kissed while you were sick and she came. She didn’t know it at that time of course. But beneath the suspicion was already that confirmation and the insecurity. She deserves better and if you aren’t gonna do the right thing, maybe it’s time I returned the favour and reminded you what you taught me in the first place.”

 

“Yuuji…”

 

“I want to remember you at your best, and not become a worse version of yourself because of me,” Yuuji says with a certain sense of finality.

 

Daichi holds his gaze silently for nearly a minute, before acknowledging the determination in Yuuji’s eyes. He suddenly chuckles, and says teasingly, “Don’t make it sound like I’m dying. Or you for that matter. What happened to the cheeky Yuuji who’s always such a pain in the ass?”

 

“He grew up,” Yuuji replies in that very impudent way Daichi is referencing to, and sticks his tongue out. He sees Daichi’s eyes linger on the piercing and he quickly brings his tongue back in.

 

He stands up then, not wishing to linger, and making his way to the door to leave. He takes out the key that’s been burning a hole in his pocket all this while and places it on Daichi’s palm. Yuuji’s smile is bittersweet then, and watching Daichi’s hand clench shut over the key also kills something in him in that moment. He knew it had been coming, but right here right now, it apparently is a completely different feeling than he could have ever imagined.

 

This time when Daichi moves to touch him, bring him close and hug him, Yuuji goes along with it. It’s a looped refrain of ‘ _one last time_ ’ in his mind, and he sinks into Daichi’s warmth, relishing the feel of his arms surrounding him for one last time. It’s intimate in a different sort of way and Yuuji realizes if he doesn’t leave immediately, he’s going to end up crying in front of Daichi.

 

It’s only after a whispered “I’m sorry, Yuuji.” in his ear that Daichi lets him go, and Yuuji beats a hasty retreat from there.

 

He barely even makes it to the street below before he gives in to the tears. All these months, through the process of getting here, Yuuji hasn’t cried. But right now, it feels like the string holding him up has been cut and all the tension has bled out of him, and he can’t keep the tears stashed inside.

 

He knows this is the right thing to do, and it’s even good for him. He doesn’t regret the decision to break up with Daichi. He knows he’s relieved to a certain extent. But all of that pale in the face of his overwhelming sadness.

 

It’s a truly tragic thing, the depth of his sorrow. Yuuji thinks, through the pain twisting around his heart, that Daichi will always be the one for him, because after all , if this isn’t love then what could it possible be? Only love could be this painful when unfulfilled. Yuuji scrubs at his swollen eyes as he starts walking down the street briskly. With every step he takes, he feels lighter because that burden is gone now but he feels deeply desolate as well because now there isn’t that connection to fall back on anymore. It’s over.

 

And so they end, not neatly, but with a hug and surrounded by unexpressed misery.

 

 

* * *

  _“I come here with no expectations, only to profess, now that I am at liberty to do so, that my heart is and always will be yours.”_

― Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility

* * *

**time**

 

And then, it starts all over again.

 

Yuuji moves on eventually, but never completely. He learns to laugh again, he learns to get on with his life – first pretending he’s okay and then the pretence simply becomes the only reality he knows. But he gets there. Yuuji goes to classes, he meets his friends, he hears that Daichi graduated successfully, and that he got a job as an assistant to the physiotherapist of Japan’s National Volleyball Team, and Yuuji goes on an exchange to Italy and comes back looking tanner than ever and –

 

He learns to be by himself again.

 

He doesn’t date though. He can’t bring himself to, not even when he was in Italy and the beautiful people around him always invited him out for drinks. He always turned them down with a smile. His old high-school friends have taken to booing at him ever since they found out, and even told him they were taking back his Johzeji Playboy title, which Yuuji had laughingly relinquished.

 

And so he is okay.

 

Not that that’s a surprise. Yuuji has always been good at adapting and he’s a survivor.

 

No, the one who isn’t doing well is Daichi.

 

Daichi figures he shouldn’t be surprised. He never had it as together as everyone imagined him to.

 

Daichi’s relationship with Harumi was extremely short-lived, lasting barely four months and all he understood at the end of it was that any relationship after Yuuji is always going to seem like a farce in comparison. Harumi had smiled at him sadly when he had broken up with her, and she had told him to stop being stupid. She had still looked lovely then, with the last few cherry blossoms of the season dancing in the air behind her.

 

But somehow all Daichi could think even then was how he would have loved to see a certain bleached blonde boy leaping to catch the petals instead.

 

She had told him to stop being stupid and go after what he really wanted.

 

Which probably made sense to her, but Daichi had known even then that he couldn’t do that, he couldn’t do that to _Yuuji_. He owed him that much to not upset his life whenever he felt like it, on his whims and needs.

 

So, he had broken up with her, graduated and then gotten a job very quickly. A job that would have him too busy to even think about running back to Yuuji. Working with the team’s physiotherapist, learning as much as he could from him so that he could slowly start to take over more and more of the players’ responsibilities – his job left with him with barely enough time to sleep. And it was good because Suga kept him updated on Yuuji, and when Daichi heard that he had gone to Italy, it had left a pang in his chest as much as it had made him glad that Yuuji was doing well.

 

Because going to Italy, traveling together – it had been a dream they had shared at some point.

 

And now, it’s been more than a year since he last saw Yuuji. Thinking about how it’s almost Yuuji’s graduation in a few days, Daichi can’t stop himself anymore. He needs to see him, he needs to try again, once more; it’s an actual, physical compulsion right now.

 

Daichi knows even now it’s still unfair to Yuuji, but he can’t contain it anymore. The past year has been more than excruciating. There has been more than a few nights when he had broken down, beating down tear after tear trying not to give in to the despair of the glaring hole Yuuji had left in him when they had split up. It’s his fault, he knows, despite Yuuji’s words back then, Daichi knows it will always be his fault. But he simply cannot help it anymore.

 

He doesn’t think he can go through another year of that. Forget a year, even a single day more seems unbearable and unimaginable at this point and he knows if he doesn’t try once more, Yuuji won’t just be his ex, but the one that got away and left him bleeding and withering.

 

It seems fatalistic and Daichi’s not one to be melodramatic (he’s aware it’s one of his few good qualities, his capacity to see things as they are), but Yuuji just affects him that much. It’s probably really not as dire as he feels it to be, but that fact is it does indeed _feel_ that way and –

 

And, Daichi doesn’t know how to fight it anymore.

 

It takes pulling a few strings and more than a few promises to work without leaves for a while before his boss lets him go. He’s on the train and leaving for Yuuji’s university, his alma mater, within a day. But after getting there, he doesn’t get to see Yuuji immediately because Suga locks him up in his apartment that he shares with Asahi, and doesn’t let him go until he is fully assured Daichi knows what he is doing.

 

The interrogation goes on for hours, and then another day, before Suga is satisfied with the sincerity of his feelings. And Daichi doesn’t mind it, not really. Okay he does, because the only _other_ reason Suga lets him go is because he loses his temper and starts becoming “too scary” according to Asahi. But he sees the soft smile stretching across Suga’s lips when Daichi rushes towards the door once they are done.

 

Yuuji’s graduation is tomorrow and Daichi plans to be there, on the stands, as his boyfriend (like they had both once imagined) even if it kills him trying to make Yuuji accept and allow it today.

 

He’s thankful Yuuji didn’t change apartments, and as he stands outside his door, Daichi can feel each and every single of his heartbeat very acutely. He feels his heart thudding in his chest, and it’s painful but _oh_ , it’s so exhilarating. Daichi can’t help but smile, because even if today fails Daichi gets to at least see Yuuji again. Pictures have been sustaining his this past year but they do not hold a candle to the vivaciousness of a real, live Yuuji. Nothing can. Not even picture Yuuji.

 

And as he stands there even longer, he hopes against hope, that it’s true when people say time heals all wounds. It’s okay even if time hasn’t quite managed to heal the entire wound, because Daichi would gladly spend the rest of their lives licking and doing it himself, but he hopes time has healed Yuuji’s wound just enough to not close the door in his face. And not just that, no, underneath it all, Daichi hopes time healed his wound because it would mean Yuuji is happy. It’s okay if Yuuji is happy despite his absence, Daichi can stand that, but he doesn’t think he can stand seeing that haunted look that shadowed Yuuji’s eyes for months back then again now. Yuuji of all people doesn’t deserve it.

 

The more Daichi thinks about, the more he loses his courage because the more he realizes everything really is his fault. He is almost about to turn back around and leave when in that moment he hears a thud from inside and Yuuji’s loud, colourful cursing.

 

The smile comes unbidden to Daichi’s lips because he knows exactly where Yuuji stubbed his toe (it’s that corner of the cabinet right outside the kitchen) and he can just imagine the scowl gracing Yuuji’s face.

 

He loves him. Even now.

 

Always.

 

There’s no point in giving to fear, Daichi knows. And so he knocks sharply on the door, and waits with bated breath for Yuuji to open it.

 

Daichi doesn’t think he’ll ever forget the way Yuuji looks when he opens the door that afternoon – the way his expression looks a little dead (Daichi wonders why anyone – _Suga_ – thought Yuuji is okay, he’s clearly not, Daichi knows the subtle difference), the way his eyes widen in surprise when he finally realizes that it’s Daichi standing in front of him, and then when his eyes become devoid of any emotion, as though he is shutting Daichi out. No, Daichi doesn’t think he’ll forget any of that anytime soon.

 

“Hi,” Daichi says, his voice coming out in a croak, and he coughs, feeling his face flush red. When Yuuji continues to merely stare him down, and _wow, now I know how everyone feels when I stare at them_ , Daichi tries to speak again. “Can I come in?”

 

Daichi sees the internal battle Yuuji fights with himself in the few seconds before he finally sighs and opens the door wider for Daichi to enter.

 

Things are exactly as they were the last time Daichi was here, except all traces of Daichi has been wiped clean. So, no, it’s completely opposite of exactly the same, in fact it’s way too far from that. It’s heartbreaking; because every time Daichi blinks he can see where all of his things used to fit in.

 

“So?” Yuuji asks, tone sullen, as he moves towards the couch and gestures for Daichi to do the same.

 

It takes a while, and not a lot of unsubtle peeks at Yuuji’s face which Yuuji blatantly ignores while they sit on the couch, not unlike the way when they had broken up that last night, before Daichi is able to say anything at all.

 

“I – um. Congratulations on graduating. Well, it’s tomorrow, but you know what I mean,” Daichi says, well aware he’s babbling in a truly uncharacteristic manner. “Look, I don’t know how to do small-talk so I’m just gonna come out and say it.”

 

“By all means.”

 

“I love you. Still. And I want to work at winning you over again. I’m not going to just say I want you back, though I do, because that implies no work on my part and that’s not fair to you. And I wouldn’t want you to forgive me just like that either because I was horrible to you.

 

“Fuck, Yuuji. When I think about what you must have gone through, all I feel like doing is going back in time to punch my old self,” Daichi says.

 

“But you can’t,” Yuuji tells him sadly.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I know,” Daichi agrees, “But – but, will you give me another chance to prove to you that we – we. No, that I am worthy of you?”

 

“How do I know what happened won’t happen again?” Yuuji asks.

 

“It won’t. It’s hard to trust me, and my words now, I know. Because I fucked it up. But that’s why I’ll prove it,” Daichi pleads. “Probation period, even. Anything you say, just. I love you so much. And I honestly don’t know what I was thinking back then, but I know this much that even while I was with her, I knew you were always the one for me. I was stupid. I just don’t know why – “

 

Daichi looks helplessly at Yuuji, trying to articulate things even he didn’t quite understand yet. Because it really is mind-boggling why he ever let Yuuji go, why he ever chose someone else over Yuuji. It makes absolutely no sense, and the more he thinks about it now, the more he simply just can’t comprehend his past self.

 

“Fine,” Yuuji says, and for a second there Daichi thinks he almost sees a relieved smile on Yuuji’s lips but it’s wiped clean before he can really see it. “Fine, but Daichi. It’s gonna take time. You don’t know how it was for me. I gave you everything and you just. You just threw it all away.”

 

Daichi thinks he might cry. From the relief perhaps, but more because of the acute pain he hears in Yuuji’s voice and the resignation as though Yuuji still thinks it’s not going to work. Daichi can’t have that. Yuuji is meant to be happy, and laughing, and a little kiddish sometimes but more often with a wicked smile and mischievous eyes. That’s the Yuuji that is the best, and Daichi ruined all of that. He can’t have Yuuji thinking he isn’t the best there is, because he is. He will always be the best to Daichi, who cares what anyone else thinks.

 

And Daichi gives in to the insurmountable urge to hug Yuuji, to simply just wrap his arms around this boy, this man now, whom he had so wronged but who is still willing to give him a chance, and Daichi thinks about how very lucky he is. And he doesn’t hesitate but holds on tight when he feels Yuuji stiff and rigid in his arms, like he doesn’t know what to do with his own body – should he give in to Daichi or not, but Daichi holds on because this hug it’s as much for Yuuji as it is for him.

 

He hasn’t felt Yuuji in so long, it feels like coming home. Daichi never understood that phrase but that’s because he never left his home long enough to miss it, but now that he’s been lost and made his way back, he realizes he will never leave it again. This is home, _Yuuji_ is home, this 5 ‘10” boy who is all hard muscles and pointy elbows, who slowly softens in his embrace and brings his own arms up to wrap around Daichi and simply just cling – _he_ is home.

 

Daichi wonders if it’s okay to let go and cry now, because he really feels like it. He knows Yuuji will probably laugh at him a little and then hug him tighter, or the old Yuuji would have, but he still thinks maybe it’s not time yet to dump his intense emotions on Yuuji so fast. But then, Daichi hears the choked sob Yuuji lets out and freezes. And it’s like a dam has burst right then. Tears stream down both their faces, and Daichi squeezes Yuuji so hard he’s afraid he might just break some bone, but Yuuji’s doing the same thing to him and he thinks _yeah, no_ , _we need this_.

 

“I missed you so much,” Daichi whispers, and he pulls back enough to look into Yuuji’s eyes, which are swollen, and red, and still tearing. But seeing the light shining in them again, it feels like things might just be all right once more.

 

“I miss you so, so much,” Daichi repeats, and this time Yuuji follows it up by tugging him in and kissing him, and –

 

Daichi simply just follows.

 

He kisses back with repressed fervour, and it’s a battle to feel each other as much as possible again after so long. Neither of them care that it becomes sloppy and messy, and they are both still silently crying. None of that matters because this kiss is more than just a kiss.

 

It’s the sign of a new beginning.

 

And then he hears Yuuji laugh lightly, or rather he feels him laugh into his mouth and it doesn’t even make sense but Daichi finds himself copying him. They both laugh, and pet each other’s faces and then laugh some more while kissing again.

 

“I’ve missed you too,” Yuuji finally says. “But you’re still in the dog house indefinitely until I say otherwise.”

 

Yuuji follows that up with a cheeky grin and Daichi bellows out a laugh. It’s been so long indeed.

 

“All this crying and emotions, grah, has made me sleepy,” Yuuji says, detaching from Daichi. “I’m gonna go take a nap. You should go.”

 

“Yeah, yeah okay,” Daichi quickly agrees, knowing full well now is not the time to push. He wants to ask something though, but again, he’s not sure if it’s too early yet.

 

“You’ll come to see me graduate tomorrow, right?” Yuuji asks with a knowing smile and Daichi simply rubs the back of his head and gives a sheepish nod.

 

Daichi can’t sleep that night. He keeps replaying over and over again their conversation, all the things he could have said better, all the things he didn’t say at all, all the ways he could have showed Yuuji he would work harder this time round. But Yuuji accepted him anyway and well, it’s been a long time since Daichi hasn’t been able to go to sleep because he’s just too excited to.

 

In the morning, Suga and Asahi both call him creepy for smiling constantly and even laughing at Asahi’s lame jokes. And yet, when they both leave for work, there are twin proud pats on his shoulder on their way out. It makes his heart settle.

 

He texts Yuuji he’s already sitting on the stands when he gets to the campus and waits for the ceremony to start. He would have liked to seen Yuuji before the ceremony started but apparently he is busy, caught up in something and simply informs Daichi that he’ll see him afterwards.

 

When Yuuji is up there on the stage, laughing when his friends jeer and flipping the off and getting a smack on the head from the Dean, Daichi laughs along with all of them. Because of course the Dean and him are on that friendly a level. The ceremony is nice, and somehow it feels better and more exciting than his own graduation a year ago.

 

And when Yuuji is walking off the stage, Daichi sees him looking around until he spots him and he waves at him. Daichi waves back, completely unabashed by all the looks people are giving them.

 

It isn’t until the ceremony is completely over and they have all thrown their caps in the air that Daichi is able to see Yuuji again. And when he does, well –

 

If there is one moment Daichi would have liked to immortalize for eternity it would have been this.

 

Because Yuuji is running towards him, at some point even leaping over fallen chairs like it’s no big deal and his eyes are shining, his lips stretched in a delighted smile and joy infused in his entire expression. He jumps at Daichi, and Daichi catches him like he always does.

 

Daichi will probably look back at this moment in the future and think what a huge cliché they were, with Daichi twirling Yuuji around like a scene out of some movie. It’s noisy and they can barely hear each other over the din of celebration and everyone meeting their friends and family and hugging and crying, and no one’s paying attention to the pair of them. Not that they care, because these two - they are in their own little world right then, and when everything slows down, and Daichi – still holding up Yuuji who has his legs wrapped around Daichi’s waist – stops moving to look at Yuuji, Yuuji beams at him before crashing their lips together.

 

“I love you!” Yuuji yells, excitedly, and his breath is coming out in short pants when they finally separate their lips. “I realized today morning I never told you that yesterday. I love you too!”

 

Daichi doesn’t think he’s ever been this happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND THAT'S THE END
> 
>  
> 
> for now.
> 
>  
> 
> See you guys on the other side, come fangirl about TeruDai to me pls. They are so effing adorable. and hot. sooooo hot. ugh.
> 
> P.S. I hope Daichi didn't end up OOC. That would mega suck.

**Author's Note:**

> so! yup, it's gonna be a two-shot. Let me know what you guys think, yay or nay?
> 
> and also yeah, okay Sawamura sounds like a douche but this is usually the reality of cheating, and sometimes it really is no one's fault and i'm trying to explore that here.
> 
> and YES i know the fandom conception of Terushima is this immature little shit, but they are in uni so I made him seem more mature :D Because come on, badboy turned introspective, doped up on love Terushima is way better than one-dimensional Terushima who lives on twitter handle thuglife.
> 
> and ooo come fangirl with me about TeruDai over [hereeeee ~](http://www.zouislights.tumblr.com)


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